Someone posted this as a comment here on the blog today but I think it should be a post, so here it is.
my ex from a small dept was abusive as well. I read the stories and my heart cringes.
These guys are experts at taking control and destroying you if you dont play by their rules.
Im one of the lucky ones. I got out alive. I still have some fear but I think its healthy and a reminder to never let my guard down because he is out there and they dont forget.
To all of us survivors..way to go! To all who are trying to survive here are my thoughts based upon my own experiences. I realize not all situations are the same. But if you see yourself here ..please get help now. Get away and get out now!
Document document document, dates times events... Write journals with dates and times, have best friends or people close to you that witness things do the same. Keep your journal at a friends house or in a very good hiding place.
Never EVER think a restraining order will keep you safe but go get one if you must!
You are smarter than you know. Tap into your smarts and use your brain. You are your biggest and best chance and what YOU know to be true about your ex and what he will do and how he will behave... so use your info to stay ahead and to stay alive. Do what you must do because in my experience the system worked against me for awhile and during that time I could have been dead. Cops stick together, police departments cover up, judges dont understand the problem and your friends and neighbors wont want to piss off your abusive cop spouse as long as he/she is driving around with a badge and a gun.
If you use your head, you will be lucky like me and survive the ordeal. I still check my back, I will never have the safe feeling I had before I met him but I have a good life now and thats worth everything and they dont want you to have that. So do what you must and stay alive!
God Bless.
This writer above is very smart.
ReplyDeleteThe court loves documentation - and you may be on your own for at least parts of this so you really do have to tap into your own smarts - even if you have support from others.
One of the women reading this blog was shot and killed without ever reaching out to connect with others for support. Her family shared that after her murder.
ReplyDeleteI encourage people to reach out - even if it is just to have someone to listen, to know that you are alive, to leave important info with "just in case, or to tap into some of knowledge that's been gathered.
Many have learned much.
Thanks for posting my thoughts and advice and making it a blog and especially for hosting such an amazing place.
ReplyDeleteI hope it helps those in need to see they are not going crazy and that they are not alone and that they should never feel ashamed or embarrassed. It happens to women AND men from all walks of life, all body builds, all personalities and professions.
To all who need a little courage...remember...its not what YOU are doing wrong, its about whats WRONG with them! They are broken, not you!
Here is important advice for those who have yet to find romance and for those who are in the early stage of it, no matter your age. It's worth serious consideration because it COULD spare years of anguish suffered at the hands of an abuser. Equally as important, it could save your life!
ReplyDeleteTHE FIRST TIME A MAN (or partner-usually the abuser is male)THAT FIRST TIME HE STRIKES YOU (it matters NOT whether it was with a closed fist or an open-handed slap) MAKE D****D SURE IT'S THE LAST TIME! This should apply should he attempt to forcibly restrain, cohearse, indimidate OR threaten to harm you or those who are close to you (including your pets and property)!
END THE RELATIONSHIP, ASAP (MAKE sure you are in a safe place..which goes w/out saying)
Anyone whose idea of a relationship is to imprison, dominate and manipulate his partner has DEEPLY SEEDED psychological issues which, ARE BEYOND YOUR CONTROL. KNOW, that none are your fault OR your problem. (Abusive people are NOTORIOUS for blaming everyone/anyone else for their failures. They TRULY believe it's NEVER they're fault.
You are FOOLING yourself if you think "showering him w/your "LOVE and UNDERSTANDING", providing him with the stability of a "committed" relationship will "settle him down"! Or the future PIPE DREAM (which will remain as such)such as- "once he", "once we" or "once things get__".
NO! WRONG ANSWERS! Things may change, all right--for the worse! Experts concur that after the 1st "beating", and/or frightening display of "dominance and control, it becomes easier for the abuser to repeat that behavior. When you choose to make excuses for his mistreatment of you , or worse, blame yourself for it, you enable it! Hence, the cycle of violence is kept alive and well!
To those in a relationship already in place, I realize it's not that easy. Please, don't give up! You are NOT a bad person, YOU are NOT stupid (despite what the ASS H*** wants you to think) You are a human being whose only guilty of a less-than-ideal decision in choosing a partner
REMEMBER, this has nothing to do with intelligence or gullibility. Abusers are notoriously deceptive, convincing and are often charming. They practice and perfect their "craft", just as a musician practices an instrument, just as a doctor practices medicine. Forgive yourself because it happens to the best of the best. The foolish or stupid thing would be to stay in the relationship and to believe his lies about "this time will be different."
NO ONE, and I MEAN NO ONE, deserves to live in fear, IN THEIR OWN HOME! The world out there gives us PLENTY to fear! The home, no matter how humble, should be the one place to seek refuge from it!